Part 34 - Wolfe: Just Right For Me

I jerked, almost toppling from my perch on the steps. The blow felt so real my hands searched my chest for the letter opener, the blood, the sucking chest wound that would send me onto the cobblestones beside my love. Instead, there was nothing but a frayed button-up under my coat, my hands scrabbling over worn fabric bought months ago, worn too many times.

She was gone. They were gone. And now there was only me. And Red.

I stared down at her crumpled body, the pale yellow of the alley light giving her face a sickly pallor, her hair more orange now, like spun gold.

Red, baby, please get up.

I wiped at the tears, feeling it all coming back — all of it, from the first time we met at the 63rd Street shelter to now. It felt like an age, and yet, it was only months, maybe a year since her smile lit up that otherwise dour, gray space. How I’d come down from the old repurposed press box above, having seen her standing there like a beam of light through the window. Before Mr. Chang could even react to a new face, I was on the old gym floor, hand extended to take her bag and ask her name, guide her to a cot, offer her the meal that was being served from the big pot in the back.

Her eyes were big then, like saucers — as cliche as that sounds — “So much better to see you with,” she’d said with a chortle that tore at my heart. A girl from far away come to the big city to make her way, eyes wide to take the magic in. A golden voice. Glowing skin. A smile that melted hearts, even the iciest of them, even the ones that only dealt in misery and pain. Feasted on it.

Redina, she’d said. Jack, I’d said in return. I volunteered here, had gone in on building the community centers with some of my friends on the force, and we spent some portion of our time off at the shelters, helping however we could. A strong community for a strong city, I’d said, and she’d only nodded. So shy then. Not the girl she’d come to be. Not yet Red, yet I was already all wolf.

Jeep burst through the door and almost fell over me as his little stubby legs struggled to navigate Smiley’s back steps. He pulled up next to Pie, his older brother, and I watched the uniforms confer. Pie’s eyes narrowed as he listened, and then he nodded and motioned for Jeep to go stand by his pig-headed brother and keep any prying eyes from coming down the alley. My gaze drifted from one little piggy to the next, the younger two, the twins, fidgeting as usual, heads up and on guard, but I could see them throwing glances my way as Pie shambled over.

Pie scratched his bald head, pulled on his tie. “Jack, Jack, Jack. Yer back. Quick circle the block. Didn’t you say you’d give us a statement in the morning?”

I nodded. “Yeah, but some things can’t wait until morning.”

“Don’t we all know it, Jack. So, seeing as how you’s come back to us and all, let’s just get everything out on the table, shall we? It seems, we got a sitch-a-ation here, and I’m feeling like we didn’t quite get all we needed from you.” Pie sat down next to me, a little closer than I cared for, but the steps were narrow, and his ass was fat. “What can ya tell me about what happened here?”

I glanced down at the body, wishing they’d covered her up already, and yet, all I wanted was to see her one last time. And one last time, and again and again. “She’s dead, Pie.”

“Oh, there’s more than that, Jack. Come on. You can tell your good buddy, Pie.” He leaned in, gave me a nudge with his shoulder. “We go way back. The cases. The parties. The community work. How’s things down at 63rd? What you catching down there?”

My eyes were locked on Red, but when Pie mentioned the 63rd Street shelter, I blinked and suddenly felt his presence. “It isn’t going how I thought it would go. It didn’t.”

“You met Red there.”

“Yeah.”

“Pretty girl. She was going places. She was something, was gonna be someone. And she was yours, buddy. She was golden, pal, but you fucked it up. What did you do?”

I didn’t answer. All I could hear were his words. “What did you do?” Red knew. She knew everything. She knew more than she should have, too close to everything, too involved, and it was all my fault. I couldn’t function when she was around, when she touched me, when she kissed me, when she made me feel like a whole person again. It had been so long since I’d felt that way, since I’d seen anyone as anything other than a mook.

“What did you do?” The letter said it all. I reached into my pocket. The envelope was folded in half and half again, but I smoothed it out on my pants, staring at the letters scrawled on the front in black pen: With love, Red.

I’d read it dozens of times. Dozens upon dozens. And with each reading, I’d felt something give way. Crouched in the dark in the sliver of a closet where the chest of drawers hid a single white envelope. Her letter like a dark fairy tale. A letter I wasn’t meant to read until later. I wasn’t meant to find it until late, and never find her again. She’d said as much. Gone, she was. Gone for good and taking what she was owed for what she’d done. A bag of cash, all the tens and twenties from the safe — small bills so she could disappear. Only she hadn’t counted on me wrapping up the stakeout early and coming home. Only she hadn’t counted on me finding the safe open and empty, the letter there in the credenza. Only she hadn’t counted on me showing up at Smiley’s before she’d cleaned out her locker.

“Jack.” Pie’s little piggy paw settled on mine, and I blinked. I looked down at my shaking fists, the envelope crumpled and crushed. “Jack, we found the money, Jack. A little bag of small bills. And Jeep, he’s seen the camera footage. What did you do?”

I glanced over at the fuck’s little face, blinking through the tears. His voice was easy, soft, soothing, as if that could change anything. Did he think he understood? Did he think he knew everything? Did he think he and his worthless fucking pig-headed fucking little fucking brothers could understand? A hurricane formed, a great and terrible swirl of anger and fury. It billowed in my chest, fueling rage and regret and…

“What did you do, Jack?” Pie slid the envelope through my fingers, and I didn’t resist. A great, deep sigh welled up inside me and pushed out through my lips. I swallowed the bile in my throat, felt the burn, the tempest die away.

He held up the letter, examining it. “A letter from Red.”

I nodded. I couldn’t read it again, didn’t even want to touch it again. I’d seen her pain searing those pages, seen my own reflected. How I hurt her. How I’d warped everything. Each word dripped with poison, each stab of the pen on paper a blow to my heart. And yet, nothing she said was a lie. The lie was me. I was everything she’d said I was. I was everyone she’d said I was.

Paper rustled and tore, the envelope open, the pages unfurling in Pie’s tiny hands. I lit another Ultra, my eyes finding her body again, as he began to read.

Dear Jack,

What we have done has blackened my soul, and I can no longer go on like this. With you. I love you, my darling, but I simply cannot do it. By the time you read this, I will have cleaned out my locker and left Smiley’s, and you, far behind. Don’t look for me, my love. I have all that I need, everything but you. The man I thought I knew before I met the wolf. Blood and terror have forever entwined our fates, but our twisted dance must end.

I still remember the day we met, how you looked at me, how I felt when you took my hand for the first time. Like everything was just right. I felt safe then for the first time ever. How was I to know it was an illusion? That I was in the riskiest place in the city with the most malevolent creature? All those women there in 63rd? Did they feel the same way, too? Did they take their meals and wrap themselves in blankets, warm and dry and full of hope and not see what you were? The end of hope. The father of despair. A wolf at the door. Did your smile touch them like it touched me? Did you warm their hearts with your poisoned words? Did you promise them bright lights and the world as a stage?

Behind a varnish of warmth lies a bitter cold. A heart that knows only suffering begets only suffering. How many lives did we shatter? How many souls did we sell? How many dreams did we crush? Not a thought to those who we would never see again, but their screams washed up in my dreams after a time, and I began to drown. I danced and I sang and I rutted. I looked for ways to block out those screams, those nightmares full of pleading eyes, that last moment of hope snuffed out just before the doors in the cages closed. But no more, my love. No more.

I’m going now, but know that I will hold you dear in my heart for all my days. If you can find peace in yourself once again and forsake these horrors, perhaps one day our paths will cross again.

Love,

Redina

“Jack. Come on, Jack. What did you do?”

I swallowed. Blood pooled around the head of an angel. My angel while I played the demon. Her Yin to my Yang. The warm willing savior turned heartless villain. The shelter against the storm become the storm itself. The symbol of sacrifice and service now the betrayer of both. I shuddered and the tears began to flow, dripping onto my blood-stained hands. Pie handed over the letter, and I took the blood-streaked envelope and tucked it into my pocket, wiped my hands across the ruined front of my button down, dark red streaks smeared across an expanse of white.

“Jack, we should go somewhere and talk. Wanna come down the station with me?”

I nodded, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. The voices gone. The images. The pain and anguish. The hope. The joy. The sorrow. The tomorrows. Gone.

“I did it, Pie.”

“I know, buddy. I know. Come on, now. Let’s go. The car is waiting. And there’s a man from the Bureau wants to have a word.”

“Yeah?” He was still talking, but I could barely hear him.

“Something about that shelter you and Steve volunteered at — before he got himself — well, you know what happened. Shame we never got the perps did it.”

Yes we did, I thought, my eyes still fixed on Red. “She meant everything to me, Pie. She wasn’t perfect, you know?”

“I know, buddy. I know.”

“But she was just right for me.”